Ask Rick

Rick, International Rick of Mystery

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Dear Rick,

Where have you been?! Your advice is the only thing that gets me through life.

Never leave us again!

From, a friend


Dear friend,

   We are very sorry that our short vacation has so negatively affected your life. Unfortunately for you we have not had time to write. But fortunately for us we went on a brief trip around the world. We started in Russia, we wanted to visit Putin, but he was too busy on a couples cruise with some guy named “drumpf”. Next we headed to the Caribbean where our swimsuit modeling careers finally took off, we were supposed to be on the cover of sports illustrated but we decided we should probably be back in time to give advice about Valentine’s Day. Lord knows it is a very anxiety inducing time of year.



There’s this girl I really like and I’m considering asking her out for Valentine’s Day, would that be weird since we’ve never been out before…or had a conversation?

Love, a sad boy


Dear Sad Boy,

   Valentine’s Day dates come with a lot of expectations – flowers and candy the teddy bears. So going out with someone for the first time on Valentine’s Day is definitely a risky situation especially if you don’t even really have any kind of relationship. I’d say definitely try to become friends with them first and go from there. If you decide you absolutely must be with them on Valentine’s Day. See if you can get an invite to their house from their mother. It’s always easier to make friends with old women then teenage girls. Maybe while you’re hanging out with the fam, you’ll get a few minutes alone to discuss your future as a couple. If she says no, then laugh and tell her you were joking. Then ask your new friend, her mother, for a baby picture which you can then spread through the school for revenge. Best option is to maybe just try to have a few conversations with the girl, and ask her out when you know you may actually have a chance.


Yo Rick-

I really want to have a date on Valentine’s Day, but I’m in love with five people at once. Is there any way I can go on five dates in one night? And what are the Maryland laws on polygamy?

-Confused lover boi


Lover Boi,

Here’s what you do: Find five restaurants in a row on one street, then switch between them very often throughout the night. For the second question: unfortunately, according to the Maryland Criminal Law Code section 10-502, polygamy is very much illegal. However, if you marry another person after the first spouse has been absent 7 years, or if you ‘don’t know’ whether they are alive, it is legal. So you can work it. Alternatively, move to Salt Lake City and become a Mormon.


Dear Rick,

My boyfriend voted for Trump but I’m an avid Jill Stein supporter. What do?

-Worried teen getting cursorily involved in politics


Dear Worried Teen,

While the staff here at the Quill like to refrain from giving political opinions, we can answer you generally in a few sentences. Fascism is generally looked down upon, but if you don’t mind dating a fascist supporter then by all means, keep on going strong. It’s not like the country will be run as if it were an oligarchical authoritarian wasteland where geopolitical favors are exchanged for business advantages or anything like alienating a quarter of the world or creating a protectionist utopia of American manufacturing and coal mining (how’d that Tokugawa Shogunate thing go?) or placing a puppetmaster neo-nazi on the National Security Council. That could never happen. But hey, if you want to make some fast cash on the side, invest in the big eastern wall-building syndicate.

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Ask Rick