Humor: MD Resident Run Out of US for Wasting Vote

“Don’t you know Democracy hangs in the balance?” demanded members of the angry mob.

Thomas Hazelhurst, Staff Writer

Annapolis, MD – Many Maryland residents marked this Election Day by throwing away their opportunity to vote in the Gubernatorial Election.

Though animosity towards non-voters has increased over the past couple weeks, some Marylanders stand by their non-partisanship. One such person is Howard Gillen.

Mr. Gillen was a well respected member of the Annapolis community until the night of October 13th, when he said that he was not going to vote.

“I thought Howard was an upright man, but this is how he treats his community? I trusted him!” said Johnathan Hayes, who punched Gillen upon hearing his heinous declaration.

The good people of Annapolis quickly responded to Gillen’s statements by burning down his house. Mr. Gillen left Annapolis for the city of Baltimore – only to be tarred and feathered as soon as he arrived.

After being forced out of the Greater Baltimore Medical Center, Mr. Gillen made the arduous journey to the Canadian border – where he was admitted into the country on October 30th.

To fully understand the situation, the Quaker Quill went to a press conference featuring governor nominees Wes Moore and Dan Cox. The nominees were quick to call Gillen an enemy of democracy and a traitor. But the conference was cut short when an NPR reporter asked the nominees if they knew anything about Gillen, and was met with silence.

Despite this rare act of political solidarity against ordinary people, the Democrats and Republicans went back to coldly hating one another once they realized that the election was now 3 minutes closer.