Friends School of Baltimore's Student News * Founded 1938

The Quaker Quill

Friends School of Baltimore's Student News * Founded 1938

The Quaker Quill

Friends School of Baltimore's Student News * Founded 1938

The Quaker Quill

At the end of their final Collection, the class of 2024 streamed onstage for a final dance, and shouts of SEN-IORS!
Class of 2024's Last Collection [Brief & Video]
With heartfelt speeches and whole-class choreography, seniors said farewell to their teachers and underclassmen.
Members of Friends Schools class of 2025 pose for a photo before their first prom.
Photos, Dancing, Memories - and Don't Forget the Food [Brief]
Missed prom? A Quill correspondent and first-time attendee recaps everything you need to know.
Friends juniors prepare for the 2023 Homecoming dance.
'Back to the Future' at Friends School [Brief]
Homecoming 2023 threw students from the '80s to the future, as DJ Ok got everyone on their feet, and even faculty busted a move.
Fans line up for snowballs from a Kona Ice truck during a break in the rain on Scarlet and Grey day.
Scarlet & Grey Day Hits the Quarter Century Mark [Brief]
On a recent rainy Saturday, Park and Friends School sports teams faced off in a series of contests, cheered on by hundreds of soggy fans.
On the final day of Spirit Week, seniors dressed in Friends School colors - scarlet and grey - for the annual Pep Rally.
A Silly, Spirited Week [Brief]
Leading up to Rivalry Day, students dressed up to show their school spirit - and sense of humor.
A senior accesses the Common App landing page for the University of Delaware. As college deadlines approach, the class of 24 is sleepy and stresses.
Seniors Feel College Pressure as Early Deadlines Approach [Brief]
The mood in senior hall is tense, as sleep-starved teens scramble to finish their essays - along with a heavy load of mid-semester schoolwork.
The Morgan State University Marching Band processes down the Friends School driveway, lined with cheering crowds of students, from preschoolers to 12th graders.
In a Year of Tragedy, Morgan Band Concert a Particular Gift [Brief]
Friends students expressed gratitude for the marching band's energetic performance - especially so soon after a shooting on the Morgan State University campus injured five students.
In Orioles fan and 12th grade dean Josh Carlins office, Friends memorabilia and a recent Baltimore Sun front page celebrating the teams winning season have pride of place.
Fans Dress for MLB Success on Friends' 'Orange Thursday' [Brief]
Led this season by an exciting core of young, up-and-coming stars, the Orioles have won back the hearts of many Friends School fans.
Award-winning novelist Jenny Offill visits the 10th grade English class of Rob Traviesso - her own former student.
Upper School Author Visit Brings Reunion [Brief]
Novelist Jenny Offill spent a day on campus meeting with students at the invitation of her own former student - English teacher Rob Travieso.
Senior Maeve Reichert, head of the literary magazine Mock Turtle, talks to potential 9th grade recruits during the 2023 clubs fair.
Highlights From Upper School Clubs Fair [Brief]
Dozens of clubs showed their stuff and courted new members at the high-energy, candy-fueled gathering on the quad.

Quaker Quill Investigates the Gentrification of Hell [Humor]

“Whenever I turn on CNN, all I see is the climate crisis, war, and hatred,” Satan complained in an exclusive interview. “If the people of Earth are going to raise Hell on Earth, what’s my purpose?”
Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash
Realtors say Hell’s housing market is heating up. Critics say gentrification is making the place a home-buying hell-scape.

1,200 MILES UNDERNEATH WALL STREET, NY – Thanks to a stunning move by Satan himself, Hell has become one of the hottest real estate markets in the entire world. Thousands of old torture racks, bonfires, and dens have recently gone on the market for young homeowners to invest in.

What caused this recent housing market boom in the land of eternal damnation?

To answer this question, the Quill interviewed Satan, who released a press release two months ago, opening Hell’s real estate market to the rest of the world.

“Whenever I turn on CNN, all I see is the climate crisis, war, and hatred, full stop,” remarked the devil. “If the people of Earth are going to raise Hell on Earth, what am I supposed to do? What’s my purpose?”

Recent homebuyers say they are infatuated with the new homes on offer in Hell. Howard Nowluk, who recently acquired a spike-filled den on Alighieri Avenue, described the property as “breathtaking.” Between the low prices and quality of the den, Nowluk said, he “would be willing to spend an eternity here.”

As the outer circles of Hell have experienced unprecedented levels of development in recent weeks, some citizens of Hell are up in arms over what they say is nothing more than gentrification. One local by the name of Napoleon Bonaparte said as much, speaking to a crowd gathered on Reaper Street.

“Every day we are losing ground to those on top,” he ranted. “They’ve taken our houses, our shops, our livelihoods. Simply put, folks, they’re taking our Underworld!”

The Quill also spoke to some long-time residents of Hell, to get their thoughts on the burgeoning housing market. A demon named Fred Hopkins complained that the boom is making the situation in Hell untenable.

“They don’t want to live with us. They want us out!” he complained. “My whole neighborhood has been forced to move to Detroit. Think about it. Detroit!”

Despite the anger and disgust of Hell’s residents, it seems the free market favors the growth of new neighborhoods in this ancient part of the world. Only time will tell whether the people of Hell will be victims of the ever-changing market environment – or whether they’ll be left in (eternal) peace.

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About the Contributor
Thomas Hazelhurst
Thomas Hazelhurst, Contributor
Thomas, class of '24, mainly focuses on satirical writing for the Quaker Quill. He is a fan of all things history, and loves to conjure up new stories, no matter how abstract they are.
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