1,200 MILES UNDERNEATH WALL STREET, NY – Thanks to a stunning move by Satan himself, Hell has become one of the hottest real estate markets in the entire world. Thousands of old torture racks, bonfires, and dens have recently gone on the market for young homeowners to invest in.

What caused this recent housing market boom in the land of eternal damnation?

To answer this question, the Quill interviewed Satan, who released a press release two months ago, opening Hell’s real estate market to the rest of the world.

“Whenever I turn on CNN, all I see is the climate crisis, war, and hatred, full stop,” remarked the devil. “If the people of Earth are going to raise Hell on Earth, what am I supposed to do? What’s my purpose?”

Recent homebuyers say they are infatuated with the new homes on offer in Hell. Howard Nowluk, who recently acquired a spike-filled den on Alighieri Avenue, described the property as “breathtaking.” Between the low prices and quality of the den, Nowluk said, he “would be willing to spend an eternity here.”

As the outer circles of Hell have experienced unprecedented levels of development in recent weeks, some citizens of Hell are up in arms over what they say is nothing more than gentrification. One local by the name of Napoleon Bonaparte said as much, speaking to a crowd gathered on Reaper Street.

“Every day we are losing ground to those on top,” he ranted. “They’ve taken our houses, our shops, our livelihoods. Simply put, folks, they’re taking our Underworld!”

The Quill also spoke to some long-time residents of Hell, to get their thoughts on the burgeoning housing market. A demon named Fred Hopkins complained that the boom is making the situation in Hell untenable.

“They don’t want to live with us. They want us out!” he complained. “My whole neighborhood has been forced to move to Detroit. Think about it. Detroit!”

Despite the anger and disgust of Hell’s residents, it seems the free market favors the growth of new neighborhoods in this ancient part of the world. Only time will tell whether the people of Hell will be victims of the ever-changing market environment – or whether they’ll be left in (eternal) peace.