Tragedy struck Friends School of Baltimore today as a Little Friends protest was ruined by a bag of money in the middle of Deering Field.

“It was supposed to be a time of telling the world what for, by using preschoolers as a tool of revolt against the establishment,” said a Little Friends teacher, who wished to remain anonymous. 

Inspired by the school’s Quaker roots, the protest was supposed to head from Little Friends onto the campus, as Little Friends students wobbled their way around the Lower, Middle, and Upper Schools to protest wealth inequality in the United States.

But during the protest, a group of masked figures brought a large duffel bag onto Deering Field.

This caught the attention of the Little Friends students, who stopped protesting to watch the masked figures. When the figures opened the bag to reveal thousands of one dollar bills, Little Friends students broke ranks to try and get some of the money.

Eyewitnesses reported that the preschoolers were soon beating one another up in the name of profit. In the end, half of the students were lightly tapped, three were bitten, and two were accused of being unQuakerlike. 

After an intense investigation by Friends School and the Quill investigative team, the perpetrators are suspected to have been either Sophomores – or Gilman kids.

“I mean who else would do it?” says a concerned rising senior who also wants to remain anonymous, because his cousin (twice removed) participated in the fight.

As the investigation continues, Friends has decided to distance itself from the protest by issuing a formal apology on their official website. As of this writing, it has been widely ignored.

Meanwhile, Little Friends is determined to clean up its image by staging a protest about the protest – despite warnings that the perpetrators may strike again.