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Friends School of Baltimore's Student News Site

The Quaker Quill

The Quaker Quill

Friends juniors prepare for the 2023 Homecoming dance.
'Back to the Future' at Friends School [Brief]
Homecoming 2023 threw students from the '80s to the future, as DJ Ok got everyone on their feet, and even faculty busted a move.
Fans line up for snowballs from a Kona Ice truck during a break in the rain on Scarlet and Grey day.
Scarlet & Grey Day Hits the Quarter Century Mark [Brief]
On a recent rainy Saturday, Park and Friends School sports teams faced off in a series of contests, cheered on by hundreds of soggy fans.
On the final day of Spirit Week, seniors dressed in Friends School colors - scarlet and grey - for the annual Pep Rally.
A Silly, Spirited Week [Brief]
Leading up to Rivalry Day, students dressed up to show their school spirit - and sense of humor.
A senior accesses the Common App landing page for the University of Delaware. As college deadlines approach, the class of 24 is sleepy and stresses.
Seniors Feel College Pressure as Early Deadlines Approach [Brief]
The mood in senior hall is tense, as sleep-starved teens scramble to finish their essays - along with a heavy load of mid-semester schoolwork.
The Morgan State University Marching Band processes down the Friends School driveway, lined with cheering crowds of students, from preschoolers to 12th graders.
In a Year of Tragedy, Morgan Band Concert a Particular Gift [Brief]
Friends students expressed gratitude for the marching band's energetic performance - especially so soon after a shooting on the Morgan State University campus injured five students.
In Orioles fan and 12th grade dean Josh Carlins office, Friends memorabilia and a recent Baltimore Sun front page celebrating the teams winning season have pride of place.
Fans Dress for MLB Success on Friends' 'Orange Thursday' [Brief]
Led this season by an exciting core of young, up-and-coming stars, the Orioles have won back the hearts of many Friends School fans.
Award-winning novelist Jenny Offill visits the 10th grade English class of Rob Traviesso - her own former student.
Upper School Author Visit Brings Reunion [Brief]
Novelist Jenny Offill spent a day on campus meeting with students at the invitation of her own former student - English teacher Rob Travieso.
Senior Maeve Reichert, head of the literary magazine Mock Turtle, talks to potential 9th grade recruits during the 2023 clubs fair.
Highlights From Upper School Clubs Fair [Brief]
Dozens of clubs showed their stuff and courted new members at the high-energy, candy-fueled gathering on the quad.
Seniors line up in the heat to have their final yearbook photos taken.
Seniors Say (Melted) Cheese? [Brief]
This year's senior yearbook portraits fell during a record heat wave.
Lunch & M? Try Lunch & Melting [Brief]
Lunch & M? Try Lunch & Melting [Brief]
Heat broke records this month at Friends School of Baltimore.

Friends School Pilots New History Program; Facts Considered ‘Outdated’ [Humor]

With the introduction of Friends School’s new curriculum, the United States takes another step in its war against logic.
Photo by Douglas Lopez on Unsplash
Friends students taking notes in a test session for the new curriculum

Baltimore, MD – In an announcement to its history teachers, the Friends School administration has announced the implementation of a brand new history curriculum next year. The move comes as a larger movement sweeps the United States, to improve history classes by removing all references to history.

“This day will be remembered fondly, as the day our education system triumphs over reason and logic!” declared Henry Mongdorf, the liberal arts teacher and part time pastor who wrote the history curriculum. Mongdorf calls history an oppressive study, as it forces its learner to confront their own opinions and ideas.

To solve this dreadful problem, Mongdorf has devised a history program which looks at world history only through an American perspective. The new curriculum is also willing to be controversial, as seen with its section on the Vietnam War – which attacks cowardly pacifists while also decrying the inhumanity of war.

Governments across the nation have nothing but praise for the new curriculum.

“It is the most American thing I can think of!” declares Florida governor Ron DeSantis – whose only criticism is that the curriculum needs more than its current 15,000 mentions of the word “freedom.” Meanwhile, Senators Chuck Schumer and Ted Cruz have congratulated Friends School for its new  curriculum, and plan to propose the expansion of the curriculum to public schools.

Though the nation has become enamored with the curriculum, historians across the United States have decided to denounce it.

“How is this history?! I mean, the entire section on the Declaration of Independence is just a transcript of” says historian James Halbourough, who has publicly criticized the plan. 

Despite the criticism, Friends School has remained steadfast in its introduction of the new curriculum. Whether it’s the best thing to ever happen to the education system, or the worst thing to happen to historians, it seems that America is turning a new leaf on its past.

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About the Contributor
Thomas Hazlehurst, Staff Writer
Thomas, class of '24, mainly focuses on satirical writing for the Quaker Quill. He is a fan of all things history, and loves to conjure up new stories, no matter how abstract they are.
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