Humor: Friends School Pilots New History Program; Facts Considered ‘Outdated’

With the introduction of Friends School’s new curriculum, the United States takes another step in its war against logic.


Photo by Douglas Lopez on Unsplash

Friends students taking notes in a test session for the new curriculum

Thomas Hazlehurst, Staff Writer

Baltimore, MD – In an announcement to its history teachers, the Friends School administration has announced the implementation of a brand new history curriculum next year. The move comes as a larger movement sweeps the United States, to improve history classes by removing all references to history.

“This day will be remembered fondly, as the day our education system triumphs over reason and logic!” declared Henry Mongdorf, the liberal arts teacher and part time pastor who wrote the history curriculum. Mongdorf calls history an oppressive study, as it forces its learner to confront their own opinions and ideas.

To solve this dreadful problem, Mongdorf has devised a history program which looks at world history only through an American perspective. The new curriculum is also willing to be controversial, as seen with its section on the Vietnam War – which attacks cowardly pacifists while also decrying the inhumanity of war.

Governments across the nation have nothing but praise for the new curriculum.

“It is the most American thing I can think of!” declares Florida governor Ron DeSantis – whose only criticism is that the curriculum needs more than its current 15,000 mentions of the word “freedom.” Meanwhile, Senators Chuck Schumer and Ted Cruz have congratulated Friends School for its new  curriculum, and plan to propose the expansion of the curriculum to public schools.

Though the nation has become enamored with the curriculum, historians across the United States have decided to denounce it.

“How is this history?! I mean, the entire section on the Declaration of Independence is just a transcript of” says historian James Halbourough, who has publicly criticized the plan. 

Despite the criticism, Friends School has remained steadfast in its introduction of the new curriculum. Whether it’s the best thing to ever happen to the education system, or the worst thing to happen to historians, it seems that America is turning a new leaf on its past.